I just thought I’d do a round up of recent things I’ve experienced at the play park with Arch.
Girls Playing Mother May I
Mother, May I say what a fucking douchie game this is? Oh my god, listening to these eight year old girls reminded me exactly of that tone that the rich Santa Monica mommies had all the time — “Maria, May I have a decaf non fat vanilla soy latte for little Brunhilda here and a non fat decaf Pinkberry extra berrie no cal berry soy yogurt for wee Rexibald as well?”
Seriously, listening to this made me want to kiss Archie’s Y chromosome.
The Lady with the Dog
The other day a woman was at the jungle gym, with her kid and her dog. She turned to me and said, “Does your boy run toward dogs?” And I said, “well, he’ll run toward the jungle gym where your dog is tied up.” And she said, “Well, he should stay away from my dog. She’s unpredictable around children.”
Teenagers
Dudes, I totally know you ditched class and I totally fucking wrote two books about teenagers fucking, but like could you hang out in the parking lot of the Pizza Hut like we used to. And seriously, girls, if your guy doesn’t have a car — ditch him.
Cigarette Butts
I’m thinking these are left over from the teenagers who come to the park at night, but seriously, ew gross. Children are like magpies. They will pick up those butts and turn them into airplanes or dollies or mommy’s little helpers because kids have imagination. IMAGINATION, remember it, people? And because when I go to the play park, all I want to do is sit on the bench, knit, read my book, sleep behind my sunglasses or if I had an iPhone, look at porn, I do not want to worry that my kid is going to become addicted to nicotine at age three. I’m saving that for four and a half.
Dog Shit
Hi, dog owners! Hi, how are you? I’m Melissa Lion and my kid, until last week, wore diapers. So he wouldn’t crap all over the place. See how that is? I don’t let my kid drop his drawers and crap in areas where the public is allowed. So, maybe, just maybe you can clean your dog’s shit up?
Parents Making Small Talk
Please don’t. Please god, please don’t speak to me. I don’t care how old your child is. I don’t care that your ex left alligators in your basement because the two of you had an alligator rescue service and kept the alligators you rescued and now she’s gone and you’re stuck with a toddler and several adolescent alligators (true story, Paying Members of the Melissa Lion Fan Club). I don’t want to discuss any of it. I just want to sit on my bench and be quiet. And antisocial. And quiet. AND QUIET. And plus, other parents frighten me…with good reason, as you can see.
One more thing that is NOT park related — ARE YOU READING THE UNDERBLAWGER? Just go there now. Stop reading this crap here. GO! But come back, ‘kay?
10 comments
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November 10, 2008 at 6:31 am
Kristen
Oh honey!
You are sooooo singing my song!
No one knows the true hell of other people until they’ve been at the playground.
We should write a book about this shit. I’ll get my Barbies ready.
November 10, 2008 at 8:49 am
CamiKaos
Yes. tie that fucking dog up to the play equipment where the kids are. SMART. FUCK. I hate dog owners that act stupidly… That goes for not picking up shit, tying off to a play structure, or in my neighborhood, people who let their dogs off the leash running 5 blocks ahead or behind them. They can’t see the dog shitting in a yard 5 blocks away. They can’t make sure it isn’t digging up my plants or licking kids or getting hit by a car or causing a traffic accident and a busy street that I’ve almost been hit on before.
Remind me not to leave comments in the morning. It’s when I’m at my crankiest.
November 10, 2008 at 9:02 am
Andrea
I always seem to comment when you talk about the park. I think it is because I HATE the park! I also want to be left alone at the park, thankfully I have a constant scowl on my face so people rarely talk to me, and if they do, they catch on pretty quick that I am not a talker. I also want to watch my kid, knit, and nap. But if I saw you, Melissa, I might let you know I recognize you and think you are the best, then I would be done.
November 10, 2008 at 10:07 am
Robert
I used to have a dog shit curse. I would step in it all the time. It was awful.
November 10, 2008 at 10:40 am
apollocreed
Dudes, I totally know you ditched class and I totally fucking wrote two books about teenagers fucking, but like could you hang out in the parking lot of the Pizza Hut like we used to. And seriously, girls, if your guy doesn’t have a car — ditch him.
Best advice to give a teenager ever. You are a beacon of hope.
November 10, 2008 at 10:47 am
tdifalco
I’ve been trying to get Bill Sizemore to write a ballot initiative about Small Talk. I’d initiate his ballot in return, I told him. Still pending.
Your boyfriend M. is musing about you on my blog, I’m going over there and putting a stop to it right now.
November 10, 2008 at 2:23 pm
k8
I don’t even like my hairdresser to talk to me while she’s doing the deed. Much less strangers. Leave my anti-social ass alone.
November 10, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Kiala
Oh I feel the same way at the dog park. I don’t want people to talk to me and yet…perversely, it hurts my feelings when they won’t.
I miss you. California is weird and I’m being inundated with the gays.
November 10, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Kiala
I should say that I LOVE THE GAYS.
But still…it’s a lot of them. Like millions.
November 10, 2008 at 5:25 pm
The Underblawger
I worked in a library in college and there was one really cute girl who was a fellow employee that everyone always tried to hit on. One day, she and I were studying at the check-out place and this frat boy [flip flops, baseball hat on BACKWARDS] approaches and starts talking to her – while she’s immersed in her book. She never looks up, but he just keeps going on about the party and the keg and how drunk he was the last time etc. and, finally, she put the book down, looked at him from over her glasses, and said “You know what? I’m reading.”
And then she went back to her book.
She’s a hero of mine.