You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July, 2008.
I have a new contest starting. It’s a Back Fence PDX contest. I’m contest crrrrrrrazy!
So, here’s the deal. The first 50 people to RSVP on Upcoming for our August 13th event get a free Back Fence PDX button! I KNOW!
Isn’t it totally cute? Little birdie 1-inch button. And you win it if you’re in the first 50 people to RSVP and attend our August 13th event.
And…because I love being a walking billboard, and because someone I know loves tote bags, I made this too. This is not something you can win, but you can buy it right here.
Okay, good so you want to wear the birdie, right? Right? And you want to come to our August 13th event.
Now, I know you’re all dying to know what’s happening with the Melissa Lion Street Recognition Contest. So far, I’ve worn lipstick and a cute outfit everywhere I’ve gone. And nothing. I did see my friend Don P. at Urban Grind in NW, but I already knew him. And I was sitting there with my back to him and he said, “Melissa?” And my stomach fell through the floor because THIS WAS MY MOMENT! And I saw Don and I was ready to just give him the mug because wow! He saw me! Except I know him. And I don’t think he reads my blog so he had no idea about the mug. But he does mow his lawn barefoot.
Anyway, that’s all that’s going on in my life. Not really, but that’s all I’m willing to share with the internets.
How have I been so lucky to publish the most remarkable essays? I mean, really. NO, TELL ME. How has this project resulted in some of the finest writing I’ve read in years? I feel so incredibly lucky.
This week’s post is remarkable.
I can’t really say much more than that. The writing is quiet and draws no attention to itself. Instead the words do my favorite thing words can do — they let the people move and breathe and live in real life.
It’s by my friend mediaChick, who has introduced me to many many computery things. Who knew she’d tap into something very deep in me — my love of story.
Okay, there are a few things I’ve never done. AND THIS LIST WILL SHOCK YOU.
1) Despite my legion of lezzie friends, I’ve never kissed a girl in that way. (I mean, I’ve kissed a girl for a jock with a camera and then he gave me mardi gras beads and told me my video would be up on myspace and maybe I’d get a cut of the earnings, but I’ve never really kissed a girl that way.)
2) I’ve never won anything at all at a party. In fact, one time I’ll tell you the story about the bachelorette party I went to (the only one I’ve ever been to) and I waltzed in wearing heels and a tiara and my thighs were taut after an at-home practice session of dip the dildo in the beer mug because I heard girls play these games at these types of parties and goddamn it I was going to win one fucking game at a party for the first time in my life. And I was like 25 and I couldn’t look like I’d never been to a stupid bachelorette party before. Stupid going to school in San Francisco and being friends with the feminists. Stupid feminists always ruining all my party prowess!
And I walked into the bachelorette party and found nary a tiara, but rather a group of women in gunny sax dresses listening to the pastor’s wife give a sermon about a wife’s value — she cooks and cleans, FYI. And then there was a game involving safety pins and trading things and trivia about the bride and groom and at the end it was just me and some girl left and I said, “I’ve never won anything at a party” thinking she was a good Christian and maybe not a selfish cunt and she wouldn’t trade my safety pin for something I don’t know and I’d win the game. Well, she was a Christian and a selfish cunt and she did trade my stupid safety pin and I didn’t win. And that is why I hate Christians.
3) I’ve never had a one-night stand. No kidding. Two nights, yes. One night — I’m not a whore.
4) I’ve never slept with a man in a relationship with someone else. This one is not so much about my fierce sense of morality (where’s the html code that indicates irony?) because lord knows I am not innocent, however, guys with girls don’t do it for me. And I can live with casual flings, and I get getting together with someone as a one-shot thing, but when a woman is on the phone with a guy with a family for a thousand minutes a month, then I need to agree with a friend of mine, this woman is amoral and I don’t want to be her. Because that karma is going to be a bitch on the return trip.
5) I’ve never been given a phone number in a bar. I used to say that I’ve never been hit on in a bar, but then Kiala gently reminded me of that time we went karaokeing and a tiny black man called Micro began chatting me up. Thank you, Kiala.
I don’t know why I’ve never been given a phone number in a bar. I like to believe it’s because I’m brilliant and famous and intimidating as hell. Because I like crushing men’s souls. I mean, I’m not an ugly person.
Is this the spatula of an ugly person? No. So why else wouldn’t someone give me their phone number in a bar? WHY?
Clearly I cook. With an apron on. And I smile occasionally.
They’re intimidated by my brains, I know it. I KNOW IT BECAUSE I’M SMART.
6) And this one is my main concern these days: I’ve never been recognized on the street. Now, I never really knew bloggers were recognized on the streets until one day about six months ago, my friend Brewcaster was recognized in a restaurant or a bar or something. I don’t know. All I know is that I was insanely jealous supportive of my friend. And I might have thought, “but…but…I’m a famous author!” And then I started talking to my Portland friends, who happen to be bloggers, (what can I say, bloggers are my people) and ALL OF THEM have been recognized on the streets. Every single one. Except me.
Now, I’m no shlub. First there was Rick Turoczy saying I was the second coming and the most interesting, remarkable, special, brilliant, fantastic, exceptional person he’s ever had the pleasure of giving business advice to, and then, I Want to Come Back as my Cat called me an “off the wall” person. And I appreciate that because I keep picturing this, and like MJ pre-skin bleaching and cosmetic surgery, I am cool and classic and aaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllll natural. Except my hair color. And my breasts. I kid. I’m naturally brunette.
And Fermented Fur gave me an award — Brilliante Weblog. I know. Two people calling me brilliant in one week. Next week – the Nobel. And then THE WORLD!
This is all to say, with all of this adulation, why hasn’t anyone recognized me on the street? It’s making me sad. Very sad. And by sad, I mean I ride my bike in lipstick and heels because I’m pretty sure TODAY IS THE DAY.
But today has not been the day. So I thought I’d take matters into my own hands. I thought that I’d have a contest. The contest would be whoever sees me on the street first wins this. That’s right, a Back Fence PDX mug. I know. Don’t all of you rush out to St. John’s and start driving the streets.
Here’s how it works — you see me and you talk to me. And if I’m with Archer, you need to spend a minute with him while I use the restroom in peace because that’s all I really want in this world.
You can’t have met me before. We can’t be arranging to meet each other. You must speak to me. And then you win a mug.
How does that sound? Desperate? Excellent.
Let the games begin.
Okay, someone called me brilliant. And this was before I put the black beans post up. If you’re not listening to Strange Love with CamiKaos, you should. It’s a very cool podcast. And so listen to it in its entirety, or if you want to hear Rick Turoczy call me brilliant, then go to 54:30, approximately.
I’m brilliant!
I cook black beans on the internet and I’m brilliant.
Okay, he calls my blog brilliant, but that’s the same, right?
more about “Strange Love Live – 7. 26. 2008. 00:0…“, posted with vodpod
I saw my pal, Rick Turoczy, yesterday. He asked me if I had just “taken the week off” blogging. Right? Because Silicon Florist reads this blog. I’m famous.
He also told me he’s starving to death because I haven’t posted a cooking vimeo in so long.
So, this is for Rick Turoczy.
And yes, I am taking the week off from blogging.
Nearly a year ago
And now
One more from last year, for Harry
It’s not you. It’s me. I have free time. The sun is shining. Lemonade calls to me.
I must go out and eat things that are bad for me and drink alcohol in the evenings with members of the Portland Brain Trust.
I’m sorry. You understand, right?
Thanks,
Melissa
It’s Back Fence PDX day. I have to say that it’s really odd sometimes when your two lives, when past and present collide. That happened to me with this week’s story.
The week’s story is written by Zoe Trope, who I blogged about here. If you didn’t read that post, I’ll sum it up, she wrote a book, Please Don’t Kill the Freshman, which was wonderful. My book, Swollen, was released around the same time. I was revising Upstream when I read Zoe’s novel. Needless to say, I was intimidated.
And now, a few years later, Zoe and I are both in Portland. Both struggling with what to write next. We’re on this parallel path with our careers, and we have some friends in common. We meet. We hit it off. And I ask her to write a post for Back Fence PDX. And she does. And I edit it. And she uses some of my edits. And I’m going to publish something of hers.
But it’s on a blog. And I link to her blog. And we, neither of us, are doing this as novelists. We aren’t in our novelist capacity. And yet, here we are. Two YA novelists, and two bloggers, and two people working on very different things. Parallel still.
The story Zoe wrote (and yes, it’s just Zoe now) is so much of what I loved about Please Don’t Kill the Freshman — the voice and the pacing and the subject are all hers. And, at the end of the piece, I got chills.
Please head over there and read this remarkable story.
I’m blogging to you live from the Back Fence PDX Global Domination Headquarters.
Where the walls match my eyes.
Complete color coordination — the only way I can get any work done at all.
That and tea.
What does your Global Domination Headquarters look like?
First off, the money chant (taken, of course, from Ariel Gore). Everyone together now: Money loves me. Money is sexually attracted to me. Money stays up late thinking about me. Money can’t resist my charms or my proposals or my bank account. MONEY LOVES ME!
I started blogging more than three years ago as a knit blogger. I blogged about knitting. There are a zillion knit blogs out there and it was how I got into blogging. Knitting is a gateway drug, for realz.
After three posts I chucked the knitting-for-every-post and went with, I don’t know, alienating most everyone around me. And that’s where I’m at today!
Anyway, I know this post is about to bore 97% of you to tears, but I thought I’d get back to my blogging roots and do a little knitting post. I had a bug up my butt this morning to start a new project. I wanted to do this because I’m a sheep and I give in to the slightest amount of peer pressure — smoke crack? Don’t mind if I do! Jump off a cliff? My pleasure! Recycle every last bit of plastic and cardboard and human dander? I’d love to, Portland!
And I was cruising around on the knitting blogs, when I saw like 87 million knitters are making the tilted duster from Interweave Knits Fall 2007. And I thought, I HAVE TO MAKE THAT. And then cooler heads prevailed. I remembered that I have a few things on the needles right now, including a super cute sweater.
This is the cute sweater. It’s the February Lady Sweater. Oh, nummy. I’m knitting it from Malabrigo. Oh yeah, you know that’s the good stuff. I’m doing a Knit Along with Twisted. And, I guess to be a part of the knit along, you need to head in there on Friday nights to knit with the ladies, which I haven’t done, but this week, I will. The sweater is based on an Elizabeth Zimmerman pattern, which means it’s a lot of knit knit knit. And no purl purl purl. That’s okay, until we see what else I have on the needles.
My plain Noro sock that I was obsessed with for a solid week. So obsessed, I finished one sock, and started the other, just to get bored by the endless knit, knit knit kniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I really should pick this one up again, because the yarn is wonderful. WONDERFUL!
I should go back to the Noro sock, except I have this on the needles too.
That’s a plain sock in Socks That Rock. I don’t know what color it is, but I love it. LOVE IT! This sock is all knit too. And it’s for Steve because the first pair of socks I knit him is ruined. That’s the thing about socks, it’s a labor of love because I like to give the things I knit away. With socks, when people use them, they get worn out. So it goes. Months of work and there’s a hole. But he wore them all winter and they kept him warm. So I started these for him to replace the others. And it’s all knit knit knit knit knit. But the yarn is awesome. But knitkniknitknit. And I know he’ll want them soonish, so I should probably get cracking. I did turn the heel — see it there?
Here’s the problem, (the cracked out knitter tells herself), I’ve got too many knitty things on the needles. I mean I have too many things that I’m just knitting mindlessly. I need a challenge. I need a lace pattern!
And I have this. That’s undyed pure alpaca homespun. This alpaca is so awesome, I even met the alpaca it was sheared from. I KNOW! It’s so soft and wonderful. And it’s from an alpaca I know! From when my Malibu knitting group went to the alpaca farm. And we met the alpacas and the alpaca lady and we ate garlic that had soaked in olive oil and goat cheese. It was an experience, let me tell you. I learned that alpaca poop doesn’t smell (right) and that they pee in the same place every time — like cats! And that they are really, very sweet and will eat from your hand.
Here we are feeding the alpacas.
And buying crack yarn.
So, with my alpaca, because I don’t know how much yardage I have, I thought I’d make my all time favorite pattern, the Shetland Triangle. I’ve knit two of these. One for myself, which I wear as soon as the weather is cool. I wear it so much that my good friend My, once said to me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without it.” That was in the dead of the Portland winter (April). I love this pattern. Look at it so pretty there. I knit it in Alaska at my mom’s house. It took me a week. I knit it and watched Pride and Prejudice (the BBC version, of course).
I knit it a second time for a gift. The person I gave it to wore it all of once. You can imagine that it made me sad. Especially because I used some of my Sundara stash on this one. But, as my mom reminds me, we cannot have expectations of the gifts we give people. But still you could wear it when you see me, right? No, wrong. It’s just a risk I take when I give people handknit things. Maybe they just won’t like it, or appreciate the time it takes to make something like this. And, really, how when I knit for others, I spend a lot of time thinking about that person, and focusing on the things I love about him or her. Because I really wouldn’t knit you something if I didn’t love you. So, what do you all think? Start the shetland triangle in alpaca despite the wads of other projects? Or just keep up the knit knit knit.
Back to regularly scheduled blogging and alienation next time…
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